I used to be chatting with one in every of my Russian mates the opposite day — as a result of, like Victoria Nuland, a few of my finest mates are Russian. Throughout our dialog he referred me to this Buzzfeed video of Individuals making an attempt weird Russian meals. I, in flip, launched him to the idea of a Jell-O salad. I really feel we achieved some essential progress in diplomatic relations.
I used to be fairly impressed with Buzzfeed presenting this in a considerably impartial format, because it appears their mission in life is to hate Russia all day, on daily basis. In the identical spirit of mutual cultural understanding, I’ve compiled a listing of American meals at which I really feel Russians would possibly look askance.
Russia: I current to you, as a peace providing, weird American meals…
Kraft Singles and Velveeta
I don’t know what sort of cheese Putler permits in your gulag, however up till I used to be about 20, I believed cheese was orange and got here in two types: pre-sliced and individually wrapped in plastic or in a big brick form that had the consistency of one thing between a sponge cake and oobleck. See Figs. A-B
I can’t imagine it’s not meals!
I’m undecided what both of this stuff is definitely product of, however I’m fairly sure it’s not actually cheese within the conventional sense of the phrase. The truth is, the label says it’s “cheese product,” indicating its non-cheese standing to the buyer.
Word: The identical “cheese product” composition has been positioned in an aerosol can and marketed to the general public as “Cheez-Whiz.”
Likelihood is if somebody was a baby sooner or later within the Nineteen Nineties in America, his or her dad and mom lovingly bought Lunchables. Lunchables got here in a little bit field as an alternative of a brown paper bag and we assembled them ourselves, so we felt cool bringing them to highschool as a result of we had no concept that they had been truly product of Soylent Inexperienced.
Now, the primary downside with Lunchables was a query of ratios. You bought a tiny little bundle of mustard that you just couldn’t open, just a few stale Ritz crackers, a barely bigger ration of cheese product slices, and an infinite stack of meat of questionable origin. Hungry youngsters had been left with out sufficient provisions to truly make neat little cracker-cheese-meat piles. Pair that with an unattainable to open Capri Solar, and it was all very Dickensian.
Candy Potato and Marshmallow Casserole
Individuals, this isn’t meals.
I’m from the Midwest, and most recipes that hail from that area begin with a quart of mayonnaise. Nevertheless, I need to say my folks actually outdid themselves after they invented the candy potato/yam and marshmallow casserole. This unholy mess often makes an look at picnics and vacation gatherings. It’s to be averted in any respect prices. Aged ladies will encourage you to eat this. They are going to let you know it’s scrumptious. Don’t belief them. They lie.
Tuna and Potato Chip Casserole
When you’re from the Midwest, you’ll know that that is what you deliver to somebody’s home when somebody of their household passes away. Individuals truly think about this to be a gesture of goodwill and neighborliness. Must you ever have the misfortune to expertise the demise of a cherished one and in addition be gifted with one in every of these, politely settle for and feed it to your least-liked however nonetheless alive relative. The casserole in query is a combination of a can of some sort of creamed soup, potato chips, cheese product, and doubtless bitter cream. Along with a funerary providing, it will also be used to caulk pipes and restore leaky tires.
Word: Individuals additionally use potato chips and cereal as a coating for hen or pork. Carry some to your subsequent NATO potluck!
Shake N Bake
When you grew up in a family the place your dad and mom each labored and didn’t have time to make potato-chip or cereal-encrusted hen, they might all the time depend on Shake N Bake. Shake N Bake was principally salt added to bread crumbs, to which was added extra salt. Busy dad and mom may use this to coat any pound of theretofore frozen processed protein merchandise. Additionally it got here in BBQ taste. ‘Muricka!
Rocky Mountain Oysters
Don’t be fooled by the title. Because the Rocky Mountains are landlocked and don’t maintain any our bodies of water that might maintain shellfish, these are usually not oysters.
Mild readers, they’re bull testicles. Given Individuals’ penchant for deep-frying something they’ll get their palms on, they’re typically served breaded and dipped.
I’m not casting aspersions on Rocky Mountain Oysters, since I’ve by no means tried them. I’m simply saying they’re fried bull testicles.
This can be a Jell-O salad.
It’s a mixture of a bundle of Jell-O, fruit, coloured marshmallows, cream cheese, cottage cheese, and, in additional extreme circumstances, meat and greens. It ought to solely be used as a Bat sign to summon all of the Fifties housewives in Gotham Metropolis. If not wanted for that function, take it distant from your home, bury it, and sprinkle the bottom with holy water.
Expensive Russians: I hope this has been a useful subject information by way of the strange world of weird American meals. Contact Buzzfeed to share your individual movies and don’t neglect to say that you just reside in a Stalinist dictatorship devoid of Velveeta! The horror!
Lisa Marie White is an American who truly made Jell-O salad as soon as. Like many Millenials, her pursuits embody: disliking Child Boomers, losing time on social media, and making an attempt out after which abandoning health and weight loss plan traits. To inform her she is a Kremlin troll, Tweet at her: @lisa_white